Unlucky Lucky Number 7

So we had a happy little secret.  No one knew. Which was big for me, because I am terrible at secrets.  Unfortunately, the happy little secret became a sad announcement to share.  I was pregnant, but at our 10 week appointment, there was no longer a heartbeat.  We were devastated.  This little one was the 7th biological child of ours.  We were so very hopeful with this pregnancy.  This was the first time that I had become pregnant without medical assistance.  That in and of itself was a huge step forward.  This was also the first baby other than the twins to make it beyond 6 or 7 weeks.  We were in absolute shock just at becoming pregnant, and then as the days passed by, we began to have hope that maybe this one would be the lucky one.

Our hearts are broken once again.  Once again, we suffered the heartache and pain of losing another child.  And once again, I had to endure a procedure to remove a baby that would never come home.  This little one brought hope again to my heart that it may be possible to have a biological child, but now we do not know.  This little one did however make it far enough for testing to be done.  So we are currently anxiously awaiting the results to see if there is anything that can be done in the future to help me to carry a baby to term.  I am already missing the sweet feeling of being pregnant.  Even though I am miserable when I am pregnant, it was so very fun to have a happy little secret inside me.  Someday we will have you again little one.  In the meantime, you brought us hope.

A Walk to Remember

This year was the 19th annual Walk to Remember at the hospital where we delivered the boys.  They put on this walk each year to remember the footsteps of sweet babies lost to still birth and miscarriage that they never got to take.  This year, the walk was very lonely.  Unfortunately most of our loved ones were not able to join us.  While we appreciate that everyone has very busy lives, it was still difficult not to be surrounded by our normal support group.  We do appreciate their love and sentiments from long distance though, but definitely missed their faces that day.  We are very grateful for sweet Natalie and her family for joining us on the walk.  She has only met us once, and her family had never met us before, but they were sweet enough to be there to support us during a difficult walk.  We had cute family shirts made to support "Team Larson".  Hopefully in the future, there will be more shirts at the walk, because if I have to say so myself.  They are quite cute!

 It is an unfortunate sight that there are hundreds that are there to walk.  We are grateful for all those who remember the babies and their families who have suffered such a great loss, but it is terribly tragic to realize how many understand the pain we feel.  For all those mothers and fathers and family members and friends of precious angels in Heaven, we are sorry and our hearts go out to you.  We will always remember our sweet little boys. Not a day goes by that we do not miss them dearly.  To Ethan and Tommy, we love you so very much and we will always remember the great joy you brought to our lives and how your memory continues to change our hearts and our lives.  All our love, Mom and Dad.

Such a Special Service Project

During Girls Camp, We had the amazing opportunity to work on a service project that has very special significance for us.  All the young women (about 300 plus)  helped to create bereavement boxes to donate to the hospital.  This was not necessarily done in our boys' name, but it was their memory and our birthday project that promoted and gave the example for these special gifts.  We were so very honored to have our sons' memory be the example to promote such love and service for many others who will suffer so greatly. 

 Each of the young women took part in the project.  Some made the scrapbooks.  These books hold very sweet poems that brought peace and love to my heart when it was the most broken.

 My young women were especially sensitive and sweet during this project.  Each came and gave me hugs and showed their love, affection and support and cried sweet tears right along with me.  I have to be honest, I bawled with every hug.  Of course I was sad, I will always be sad and miss my babies, but there was an incredibly sweet spirit there as these Young Women worked to serve others that will have such a difficult road, and it just meant so much that the feelings simply could not be contained.

 They each put so much love into their projects and I am forever grateful for their service.  Even though none of these boxes were for me, I truly felt their love and service towards me as they worked to serve others.

 While some worked on the sweet memory books, Others sewed tiny blankets to wrap those most precious babes for their families to hold and cherish.

 I wish that there was not a need for any of this.  I wish a mother never had to know the pain and heart ache of losing a child.  But because this sadness and tragedy does happen, I am so grateful for people such as these beautiful young women who can give the gift of memories to women who will have only that... memories.

 Other Young Women worked on creating homemade bath salts to help those mothers find some comfort and relax after such a tragic experience.  These gifts, no matter how big or small, truly mean so much!

 Our oldest young women at the camp worked to put together all the items into beautiful boxes.  Within the boxes were the scrapbooks, the blankets, the bath salts, home made beanies (which some girls also worked on sewing) as well as a journal, pen, candy and a sweet, small stuffed animal. 

Together, the Young Women created 48 boxes!  It was amazing the power they held.  In just 2 hours, these amazing young ladies created one of the most memorable gifts that could be given to a grieving mother, and they created enough to touch 48 lives.  What a truly precious blessing.  I am so very grateful for my experiences at camp and this tender experience will forever engrave these wonderful young women to my heart.  Thank you ladies for your love, for your service and for your care.  You are amazing and you have no idea how much of a difference you have just made to so many women, and to so many families.  

I am also grateful that the camp leaders are allowing me to join them when we deliver these boxes to the hospital and that they have chosen to donate these gifts to the same hospital that took such good care of me after losing our sweet babes.  I am still constantly afraid that it will be as if my sweet boys never existed because their time was so short, but I am forever grateful for those that allows us to use their precious memory to serve and show love to others.  We will always remember you Ethan and Tommy and will work to be worthy to be your parents.  All our love to you and these sweet young women.  Such a blessed experience.

Bereavement Donations

It was very important to us to try to do something positive in Ethan and Tommy's memory for their birthday. We decided that it was most beneficial to "pay forward" the gifts of love and support that we recieved during the hardest time of this trial (right after the birth and the loss). When I was in the hospital delivering the Boys, I recieved a huge outpouring of gifts. Most of the gifts came from the hospital. The gifts were a variety of mementos and keepsakes to help us preserve the memory of our sons such as a scrapbook, pictures, picture frames, candles, beanies, blankets, etc. Those precious items have become very special and sacred to me because they remind me of my sweet babies. We decided that we would celebrate the Boys' birthday by making a donation in their honor to help show love and support to other Mothers and families that would have to endure the hardships that we have gone through. I was incredibly blessed to be able to request for donations from our Ward Relief Society, the entire Police Department where I work, and our dear family and friends. We were completely stunned by the outpouring of love and generosity we recieved on behalf of our sweet babies. Over several months we collected a huge amount of items to donate in loving memory of Ethan and Tommy.

This was a gift basket for the loss of twins

I was also able to make little scrapbooks to give as gifts to the Mother's so that the special moments and information might be able to be preserved in a way that was cute and ready to share.  Each scrapbook contained 5 tags that pulled out to reveal different poems about the loss of a baby.  These poems were my absolute favorites that i have found and helped to share my thoughts and feelings about the loss of my sons.

We are absolutely so grateful to everyone who donated items, money and time to help to make this possible and such a special event in our lives.  I truly hope that the loss of our Sons and our family's sacrifice may be able to bless and benifit others, even if it is in dealing with a tragic loss of their own. Thank you!

Happy Birthday Ethan and Tommy

It is hard to believe that it has already been a year since we lost our sweet boys.  The days approaching their first birthday were incredibly difficult ones as we prepared to celebrate their memory. Eldon and I decorated their plot.  Because it was December it was important that they have a Christmas tree and gifts, but we also needed the balloons for all to know it was their birthday.  On their big day, we a balloon release in their honor.  "Sending our love to Heaven".  In good Seals' family fashion it became a competition to see whose balloon could reach Heaven first.  It was actually quite sweet and entertaining and definitely lifted the somber mood. 

Following the balloon release, family and friends joined us for dinner at our home. It was a very sweet day and I am incredibly grateful for everyone who supported us, both on Ethan and Tommy's birthday and over the past year.  The love and support we received has made all the difference in the world to us, and we know that we are truly blessed with incredibly people in our lives.  Thank you to everyone and Happy Birthday to my sweet darlings!

A Walk to Remember

A Walk to Remember

By: Tim and Julie Smith

We walk to remember the steps you've never taken

and all the memories that might have been.

And we grieve the loss of you, O child of our dreams
and long to heal the ache that's deep within.

We ask the Lord to lead us to trust and gratitude...

and acknowledge that we'll never be apart.
We'll treasure the gift and the grace of your life
For we'll always hold you in our hearts
We'll always hold you in our hearts.

Misti and the Kiddos and my sweet friend Nicole came out to support us and our babies today.

This morning, Banner Desert Hospital (the hospital where we delivered our precious stillborn twin baby boys) hosted a Walk to Remember.  This was a walk to remember the steps these sweet little babies would never take.  It was a very sweet memorial.  There was a fabulous turn out, which made me a bit sad because it meant there were so many other families that were grieving just like us.  We were very grateful for the family and friends that came out to support us, and for the support we were receiving from afar.  

So many balloons! It was an amazing sight!

My sweet friend Chari and her son Weston (who was one of my babies when I worked for Easter Seals) came to walk with us. Thanks!

Getting ready to walk.  So many beautiful white balloons.

We walked a quick mile around the neighborhood, and then came back to the amphitheater for a memorial service.  They allowed any parents that wanted to share a poem, story, or song in remembrance of the children they had lost.  They then presented each family with a small memorial gift.  We then had a balloon release sending our love to our babies in Heaven.  It was an incredibly sweet memorial and I am really glad that we were able to be a part of it

Sending all our love to Heaven.  You will always be in our hearts!

Its about Love

I am sorry that i have been a slacker in blogging.  I just didnt want to overload my blog with unhappy posts and while we truly are greatly blessed, it has been hard for me not to focus on the sad things.  This post does have a little bit of sad, but also some hope and a request for help.  First off, after several months of waiting, we finally got the headstone for our little boys.  They finally have their resting place marked so all can know they were here and now they have the proper place to put flowers, so now the gardner cant steal mine!  We are really pleased how it came out, and we are very glad that their plot is no longer just a mound of dirt!   Since losing our twins, my optimism for having a family has really decreased significantly, but our desires have only gotten stronger.  Unfortunately we have already suffered another miscarriage since our boys, which only brings more dismay.  So while we will forever try to get our own little ones here, we are turning to adoption to assist us with our desires to have a family until we are blessed to have our own.  We are looking into adoption with the State of Arizona.  This course began in March when we almost had the opportunity to get a cute little 6 week old girl through some friends.  The birth father ended up stepping in, so, now we wait to see if he changes his mind and decides to let us have her or to see what else Heavenly Father has in store for us.  All the websites I have read, have stated that many adoptions come through personal contacts, so I am reaching out to our family and friends.  If you know of a little one who is need of a good home, or have any recommendations or connections for adoption, we would really appreciate your help.  I know that we will be able to have a family someday.  Heavenly Father has promised both Eldon and I in our patriachal blessings the blessing of raising a family, but we may need help in getting our family here.  We ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers that we might be guided by our Father in Heaven and be able to know his will for us and to follow it, and if adoption is his plan, that we might be led to the little one/s that are meant to join our family.  We appreciate all the love and support we have recieved in our recent trials and heartaches and hope that future posts can be filled with more happy news.

Forever in our Hearts

It is with very heavy hearts and tear filled eyes that we introduce to you, our precious little twin boys, Ethan Dere and Tommy Mons. They were born still on December 3, 2009 at 24 and 1/2 weeks.

Ethan Dere Larson & Tommy Mons Larson

I hope you will understand that although this is an incredibly difficult post to write, I need to show the world my sweet little boys. I need you to understand if possible how much I love them and how much I miss them, and how important it is to me that their existence is recognized and not forgotten. I apologize if this post is difficult to read, I understand.... it is difficult to write. But these boys are my babies and it is important to me to preserve these memories and to never forget.

Obviously from previous posts, the entire pregnancy was anything but easy or typical. There were complications from the very start, but we were certain things were going to work out in the end. To our utter devastation, we were wrong and the absolute worst thing imaginable happened, we lost our beloved little boys to an identical twin disorder known as twin to twin transfusion syndrome. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it is a connection between the babies in which one baby takes the nutrients of the other. We were not able to find this out until after the death of our little ones. The entire pregnancy we believed the boys were fraternal twins, but tests showed they were identical twins that split very early in the pregnancy giving the appearance of fraternal twins. They had two sacs but shared one placenta, which is very very rare. Because the boys were so far along, a normal delivery was needed rather than just a surgery, so we went through the traumatic process of delivering our babies knowing we would not be bringing them home. The boys were born 3 hours apart after 16 hours of labor. Ethan was born first just before 11am weighing just over half a pound and measuring a mere 9 inches in length. Tommy was born just before 2pm weighing only 2.3 ounces and measuring only 6 inches. Tommy was the first baby we lost at 21 weeks and because of such was much smaller than his brother. Once they were here, we were able to spend 2 beautiful days holding them and spending time with them. Even though their spirits were already gone, I cherished the time I could hold them and rock them and feel like their mother.

And then we began the hideous task of preparing for their burial. We were beyond blessed in this trial with the generosity of others. Eldon's work, Stone Creek Furniture made a beautiful wooden casket as a gift for the boys. It was absolutely perfect and nicer than anything we could have purchased. My work generously paid for the burial. Our sisters Michele and Angela purchased Ken Doll Tuxedos for the boys to wear... They looked so cute even though the doll clothes were still too big!

Eldon's mom and my mom worked together to line the casket and Eldon's mom made beautiful baby blankets for both boys. Many others helped by helping us get flowers, create the programs, and find the perfect songs and poems to make the day very special. The funeral service was very sweet and although I cried through the entire thing, I know it was the most sweet and beautiful service we could provide for our precious little sons.


I honestly can say that this experience is the absolute most difficult thing that has ever been required of me. I have never felt so much sadness or pain as I have losing my babies. I am trying to find a way to heal, but it is a very long road that I imagine will take my entire life. One thing I can say, is that despite being taken through utter despair, I was not left to endure this trail alone. Even still 6 weeks later, we are being shown the Lord truly does love us, and so do many others. We have been absolutely amazed and grateful for the abundance of love and charity that has been shown to us during this difficult time. Even and especially small things such as a hug or a quick note have meant the most and really do make the burden a bit lighter to bare. I am especially grateful for the nurses at Banner Desert Hospital and for their kindness. Their thoughtfulness allowed me to have mementos such as molds of my babies hands and feet and pictures of foot prints as well as many many pictures that I will treasure forever. And to everyone else who called, emailed, text, visited, brought meals, prayed and even thought about us during this difficult time....Thank you. I am still overwhelmed by everything and probably still in denial and am just trying to find the strength to acknowledge the reality of the situation and that I am not going to wake up from this nightmare, so I have not really been ready to taken the steps that I long to, to appropriately express my gratitude, but please know that it means so much, especially now to be loved and thought of and we truly have felt it and are grateful. We are also so very grateful during all of this for the gift of the restored gospel. I simply cannot imagine trying to go through this without the knowledge that Eldon and I have an a marriage that is sealed for time and all eternity. Our family is eternal and I will forever dream of the day when we will be reunited with our precious little boys and we can be a family that is whole once again.

Also, I just want to add from the safety shield of a computer that it is ok to not know what to say, unfortunately there isnt anything that can be said or done to bring my babies back. However, "Im sorry", "I love you", "I m thinking of you" or even just a silent hug means a great deal. My biggest fear is that my babies will be forgotten or it will seem as though they never existed. I need them to be remembered, I need to be able to talk about them, even if it makes me cry, I need to feel like their mother, so please bare with me while I start my journey of healing and be patient with me while I grieve.

Unfortunately, we have lost our other little boy. We thank you all for your prayers and support. We really do feel loved and cared for.

We Just wanted to let everyone know that we lost one of our boys yesterday. We are coping with the loss, and are still very optimistic for our other little boy's future. We will keep everyone posted on how our little fighter is doing. We are so thankful for all of the prayers and support- they really do help.

we have been busy

And I have been a slacker!!! Sorry! Its really hard to have the desire to hop on the computer when you are on it all day long at work! And the weekends have been full of trips, family, and fun little projects. Usually, when I take a while to blog something, I cheat and just back date it. Well, I am just meshing all our recent adventures into one giant blog, so sorry if this is really long (and it is really long).... like I said, we have been busy!

Going back to May.....

As a quick update, Eldon's family names their cars. Not sure why exactly why, but they do, so we thought we would follow tradition. It took a little bit to come up with the name but then we found the perfect one! The Black Pearl!! :D

If you know me, then you know that Pirates of the Caribbean is like my all time favorite movie... All of them. And it just fit so nicely. It is black, its a treasure (pearl) and like Jack Sparrow, I have been after the pearl for a very long time!

Ok, now to the events

Our sweet little niece Olivia had her Honor Choir concert. She did an amazing job and even though I may be prejudice, she was by far the prettiest girl up there.


My Grandfather (my Dad's Dad) passed away.

It was very sad, but (and i know it sounds morbid) a little happy. My Grandpa had been sick for quite a while and was really suffering from Alzheimer's to the point where he learned his beloved wife had passed away several times a day as if it were the first time he had heard it. Can you imagine your heart breaking with the worst news ever multiple times a day. He also physically was to the point of being dependant on others for pretty much everything. My grandpa was too proud to ever want to live like that, and he missed my grandma dearly, so for that sake, it was time and i am glad he is reunited with the love of his life. We went to California for the funeral. It was really hard, but got even harder when I saw my uncles and my Dad and how hard it was on them. My Grandpa was a great man, and I love him very much. He will be greatly missed!


On a happier note, a week after the funeral, we made a trip up to Snowflake to see our 2 Nieces graduate from 8th grade.

In Snowflake, Jr. High graduation is almost as big of a deal as the high school, so we wanted to be there. The weather was kinda crazy that weekend. While we were driving up it was raining like crazy but the Black Pearl (my X-terra) made it through like champ.... Eldon's driving helped too. :P The graduation ceremony was awesome, my nieces looked beautiful and all was good....until we got a terrible phone call.... well i guess it could have been worse, but still not fun. Hollis (Eldon's brother) and his family were also on their way up to the graduation, but their vehicle lost control in the bad rain storm, hydroplaned and spun right into a guardrail, broke through it, and drove down the cliff into the ravine.


You can see from the pictures it was a scary drop!! Thankfully everyone was OK... A few bumps, bruises and frightened kids, but no permanent damage! The car was totalled completely, but everyone was OK!

Once everyone finally made it safely to Snowflake, the family fun began. Nothing special, just good times together. The kids always love jumping on the trampoline

and the newest form of entertainment is a dual bike that Eldon's dad built from 2 separate bikes.

He is pretty freakin talented! It was pretty fun to ride.

That same weekend (it was Memorial Day weekend so we had a 3 day weekend that we turned into 4 for the graduation) we went camping with my family.

We got to break in our new tent,(not pictured) and see how Zeus did in the wild. I definitely think he enjoyed it....He was very dirty and not my white clean little pup anymore.
The X-terra did great as well! I am still really loving it!

at the end of the May (yes all that above was in the month of May) was the Brett and Angela's twins (Payten and our angel baby Zoe) birthday. It is definitely a bitter sweet day! We had a blast celebrating with Payten. She was super cute, loved her cake and her gifts and she especially loved Zeus! She just wanted to hug and squeeze him all night. Then we went to the graveyard to remember and send our love to Zoe. It was really cute, we let Payten send the first balloon and told to her give it to Zoe and she walked right over to her grave and let the balloon go. She was trying to put it on the ground, and was a little sad when the balloon floated off, but she knew that when we spoke of Zoe, that is where she is. I think the picture of all the balloons looks really cool and really shows all the love we have for our angel baby and how much she is missed!



PS....doesnt Zeus look funny. He just chills and is content to be held.