Its about Love

I am sorry that i have been a slacker in blogging.  I just didnt want to overload my blog with unhappy posts and while we truly are greatly blessed, it has been hard for me not to focus on the sad things.  This post does have a little bit of sad, but also some hope and a request for help.  First off, after several months of waiting, we finally got the headstone for our little boys.  They finally have their resting place marked so all can know they were here and now they have the proper place to put flowers, so now the gardner cant steal mine!  We are really pleased how it came out, and we are very glad that their plot is no longer just a mound of dirt!   Since losing our twins, my optimism for having a family has really decreased significantly, but our desires have only gotten stronger.  Unfortunately we have already suffered another miscarriage since our boys, which only brings more dismay.  So while we will forever try to get our own little ones here, we are turning to adoption to assist us with our desires to have a family until we are blessed to have our own.  We are looking into adoption with the State of Arizona.  This course began in March when we almost had the opportunity to get a cute little 6 week old girl through some friends.  The birth father ended up stepping in, so, now we wait to see if he changes his mind and decides to let us have her or to see what else Heavenly Father has in store for us.  All the websites I have read, have stated that many adoptions come through personal contacts, so I am reaching out to our family and friends.  If you know of a little one who is need of a good home, or have any recommendations or connections for adoption, we would really appreciate your help.  I know that we will be able to have a family someday.  Heavenly Father has promised both Eldon and I in our patriachal blessings the blessing of raising a family, but we may need help in getting our family here.  We ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers that we might be guided by our Father in Heaven and be able to know his will for us and to follow it, and if adoption is his plan, that we might be led to the little one/s that are meant to join our family.  We appreciate all the love and support we have recieved in our recent trials and heartaches and hope that future posts can be filled with more happy news.

Forever in our Hearts

It is with very heavy hearts and tear filled eyes that we introduce to you, our precious little twin boys, Ethan Dere and Tommy Mons. They were born still on December 3, 2009 at 24 and 1/2 weeks.

Ethan Dere Larson & Tommy Mons Larson

I hope you will understand that although this is an incredibly difficult post to write, I need to show the world my sweet little boys. I need you to understand if possible how much I love them and how much I miss them, and how important it is to me that their existence is recognized and not forgotten. I apologize if this post is difficult to read, I understand.... it is difficult to write. But these boys are my babies and it is important to me to preserve these memories and to never forget.

Obviously from previous posts, the entire pregnancy was anything but easy or typical. There were complications from the very start, but we were certain things were going to work out in the end. To our utter devastation, we were wrong and the absolute worst thing imaginable happened, we lost our beloved little boys to an identical twin disorder known as twin to twin transfusion syndrome. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it is a connection between the babies in which one baby takes the nutrients of the other. We were not able to find this out until after the death of our little ones. The entire pregnancy we believed the boys were fraternal twins, but tests showed they were identical twins that split very early in the pregnancy giving the appearance of fraternal twins. They had two sacs but shared one placenta, which is very very rare. Because the boys were so far along, a normal delivery was needed rather than just a surgery, so we went through the traumatic process of delivering our babies knowing we would not be bringing them home. The boys were born 3 hours apart after 16 hours of labor. Ethan was born first just before 11am weighing just over half a pound and measuring a mere 9 inches in length. Tommy was born just before 2pm weighing only 2.3 ounces and measuring only 6 inches. Tommy was the first baby we lost at 21 weeks and because of such was much smaller than his brother. Once they were here, we were able to spend 2 beautiful days holding them and spending time with them. Even though their spirits were already gone, I cherished the time I could hold them and rock them and feel like their mother.

And then we began the hideous task of preparing for their burial. We were beyond blessed in this trial with the generosity of others. Eldon's work, Stone Creek Furniture made a beautiful wooden casket as a gift for the boys. It was absolutely perfect and nicer than anything we could have purchased. My work generously paid for the burial. Our sisters Michele and Angela purchased Ken Doll Tuxedos for the boys to wear... They looked so cute even though the doll clothes were still too big!

Eldon's mom and my mom worked together to line the casket and Eldon's mom made beautiful baby blankets for both boys. Many others helped by helping us get flowers, create the programs, and find the perfect songs and poems to make the day very special. The funeral service was very sweet and although I cried through the entire thing, I know it was the most sweet and beautiful service we could provide for our precious little sons.


I honestly can say that this experience is the absolute most difficult thing that has ever been required of me. I have never felt so much sadness or pain as I have losing my babies. I am trying to find a way to heal, but it is a very long road that I imagine will take my entire life. One thing I can say, is that despite being taken through utter despair, I was not left to endure this trail alone. Even still 6 weeks later, we are being shown the Lord truly does love us, and so do many others. We have been absolutely amazed and grateful for the abundance of love and charity that has been shown to us during this difficult time. Even and especially small things such as a hug or a quick note have meant the most and really do make the burden a bit lighter to bare. I am especially grateful for the nurses at Banner Desert Hospital and for their kindness. Their thoughtfulness allowed me to have mementos such as molds of my babies hands and feet and pictures of foot prints as well as many many pictures that I will treasure forever. And to everyone else who called, emailed, text, visited, brought meals, prayed and even thought about us during this difficult time....Thank you. I am still overwhelmed by everything and probably still in denial and am just trying to find the strength to acknowledge the reality of the situation and that I am not going to wake up from this nightmare, so I have not really been ready to taken the steps that I long to, to appropriately express my gratitude, but please know that it means so much, especially now to be loved and thought of and we truly have felt it and are grateful. We are also so very grateful during all of this for the gift of the restored gospel. I simply cannot imagine trying to go through this without the knowledge that Eldon and I have an a marriage that is sealed for time and all eternity. Our family is eternal and I will forever dream of the day when we will be reunited with our precious little boys and we can be a family that is whole once again.

Also, I just want to add from the safety shield of a computer that it is ok to not know what to say, unfortunately there isnt anything that can be said or done to bring my babies back. However, "Im sorry", "I love you", "I m thinking of you" or even just a silent hug means a great deal. My biggest fear is that my babies will be forgotten or it will seem as though they never existed. I need them to be remembered, I need to be able to talk about them, even if it makes me cry, I need to feel like their mother, so please bare with me while I start my journey of healing and be patient with me while I grieve.

Unfortunately, we have lost our other little boy. We thank you all for your prayers and support. We really do feel loved and cared for.

We Just wanted to let everyone know that we lost one of our boys yesterday. We are coping with the loss, and are still very optimistic for our other little boy's future. We will keep everyone posted on how our little fighter is doing. We are so thankful for all of the prayers and support- they really do help.

Just like that

the roller coaster ride that we stepped on 5 months ago just took a dive right into a dark tunnel. We cannot see whether the next turn has a light at the end of the tunnel or a giant brick wall to slam into. 2 weeks ago, i went in for my monthly ultrasound. It was supposed to be really exciting, i was supposed to be able to figure out the flavor of the other little peanut inside me. Instead we were given some very heart wrenching news. My babies are very very small....scary small. The doctors think there is an issue with the placentas that prevents enough blood getting through to the babies. In short, my babies are starving and not growing like they should. The doctors also added that if we don't do anything, we will lose both babies!!!! So after being completely devastated, we decided along with my doctor that the answer was obviously to not "do nothing".

So my whole world is upside down for the moment just trying to get these little ones to stay with me. I am now on oxygen 24/7 which i have to say is incredibly not fun! Fortunately, they make portable oxygen tanks, so for now, i am still able to work with the portable tanks. The oxygen helps to enrich the blood that is getting to the babies. I have to take blood thinner, which is in hopes that thinner blood will be able to penetrate the placenta wall better and get more nutrients to the babies. I also have to sit in a luke warm hot tub for one hour everyday (rain or shine) to help promote better circulation. Thank goodness my big brother has a hot tub with a temperature control or i would have already been admitted to the hospital for the duration of my pregnancy. I also am on a eat eat eat diet. Which is fun, but will not be fun when i am trying to lose the baby weight later. But for now, the desserts and soda (yep doctors orders to drink soda :)) are a nice change. I also have to have appointments 2 times per week to monitor the little ones and make sure they are still fighting with me.

One baby is about 3 weeks behind and the other baby is about 2 weeks behind. Both are in jeopardy, but obviously one is doing better than another. we are very hopeful that all of these new remedies will help my little peanuts grow bigger and be able to at least make it to survive, and even better thrive. A few good things did come from this big mess (other than the desserts and soda) was that we had to do an amnio test to determine if the babies were chromosomally normal or if there were additional problem to deal with. thankfully from the test thus far (we are still waiting for the final complete results, we only have a partial) from the partial results, the babies are chromosomally normal. We also were able to determine from this test, that our little ones are both BOYS!!!

So if we can get these little babies to continue fighting like their parents are, we will have two cute and adorable little boys to cause trouble and mischief. All i want is those little trouble makers! So we are asking our friends and family to join us in this fight and if you dont mind to add our little boys to your prayers. We need all the help and faith we can get to make it through this and bring these wonderful little babies into our family and our home.

bedrest already

this is more for journaling and personal purposes, so sorry if this is boring, but last week and yesterday were two of the scariest days ever. Last week I started bleeding, not much, but enough to make it a very rough and scary night since I wasn't able to get a hold of the doctor. All I could think about all night was losing one of my babies or both. It is amazing to me how important these little ones are to me already. i have only been pregnant for 3 months and only known about having 2 for about 6 weeks, but the idea of not having two is one of the worst thoughts i can imagine! We are still adjusting to the idea of instant family of four but now all our planning revolves around 2, not 1! Thankfully, the doctor was able to see me the next morning and we were able to do an ultrasound, and again thankfully, my little ones were doing just fine, and had grown quite a bit. The bleeding was caused by the placenta coming away from the uterus lining, which is still not a good thing. the connection provides blood to the baby, so it is pretty important, but the nurse said the baby could lose up to a quarter of its blood supply and still be ok, so the amount of blood that i was losing was not enough to harm the baby. however, it was important that the blood stop, so i was put on strict bed rest for a week until the bleeding stopped. I was beyond bored! but thankfully my dad and my little brother was able to come and help me out so that i was able to stay off my feet. They also kept me from going insane by myself. so the bleeding stopped, so i went back to work on Monday. the day was rough, but went fine, but last night i started bleeding again and this time it was worse, so again, I was sitting here fretting about the potential of losing one of my precious little ones. I had another ultrasound and this time went to a special imaging place, so i was able to see better pictures of the little ones. Thankfully again, everything is just fine, as far as the doctors can tell, the babies are perfectly healthy and growing on schedule. The ultrasound also didn't give any reason for the bleeding, which is good and bad. There doesn't seem to be anything to be concerned about, but yet, still blood, so we will see what happens, but my biggest concern is that both babies are doing good. Baby A was very cooperative and Baby B was very stubborn, so apparently I am going to have a difficult one. Which fact I am totally fine with if I can just get them both here safely and healthy. so here are some fun pictures from today's ultrasound. It was really neat, the clinician showed me the 2 halves of each babies brain, the 4 chambers of the hearts, 4 arms, 4 legs, and 2 healthy cords doing what they are supposed to. I was 5 days too early for the doctor to tell me the sex, which is really frustrating!!! So close to not having to wonder anymore!

so here is both babies looking at the tops of their heads.

here is baby A, and it was sucking its thumb (sorry dont know gender and I have had too many guesses that keep changing so I am not going to guess yet). Since Baby A was being so cooperative, we got a great 3-D Picture.

it looks like the baby thought it was too bright, even though there wasnt any light. Maybe it was just sleepy and rubbing its eyes :)

This is Baby B, upside down. Its legs were crossed which was super cute to see!

Lots of prayers and lie detectors

Crazy title, but it fits for the past couple of crazy weeks. I will start from the beginning but its a pretty simple story. Back in November, I was told that the state of the City of Phoenix (where i work) budget was not good and to be prepared since i had very low seniority for pending cuts. Well I figured I would be proactive and started looking for a new job. I really liked my job but I have had terrible hours and it is over 40 miles from my house and there is alot of stress and alot of after work phone calls, etc. So I have been applying for jobs since them knowing that the potential Dooms day would be March 2! Well a couple of weeks ago, I still had not found a new job (even though I have applied for pretty much everything but Walmart (last resort)) and March 2nd was coming closer and closer. To top it off, I got the dreaded "phone call" from personnel for a meeting down town. Well the meeting was to tell me that yes, I was going to loose my job because of the budget cuts that would be happening. I was devastated!!!! We just bought a beautiful house and things were going so well and then...........disaster! So I came home and emailed all our family and said that we really needed some prayers because I was freaking out! Everyone was amazing. Even friends that knew of my situation said they were praying (even outside my faith, were just praying that something would work out). Well let me just testify that prayers work! The next day however, there was a bit of brighter news, the City told me that there was an opportunity for a job in personnel for the Police Department but I would have to interview and then i would have to pass the background check process which includes a polygraph test (lie detector), well the interview couldnt have gone better, I walked out with the job if I could pass the test. Well I have been a fairly good girl so I really wasnt too worried, until I got to the test. Can I just say that it is scary!!!! Every little thing that you have ever done like going potty on the side of the road (public exposure), fibbing to your boss about being late or being sick (dishonesty), taking a pen from work (theft), using illegal fireworks at the family 4th of July party (illegal use of fireworks), i mean everything....they even check your credit. So i was freaking out! Well, today, Heavenly Father answered our prayers soooooo much because I got the job officially!!!! We get to keep our house and continue to move forward with all our goals, and even better, this job is a Monday thru Friday, 8-5 kinda job so no nights, no weekends, no holidays and it is only downtown Phoenix so I dont have to drive near as far, and the job ends when it ends (no phone calls at all hours of the morning and night!) And it is a lateral move within the City, so my pay and my benefits stay the same! Can I just say that I am so very very very grateful for answers to prayers because I just dont know what we would have done. And thank you to everyone who offered prayers and good wishes on my behalf. It means so much! Thank you!!!!!

I <3 Hobby Lobby

I found Hobby Lobby about 4 or so years ago in Ohio with my best friend Erin. It was an amazing store with awesome deals..... well its better (at least than what i remember). There is now a Hobby Lobby in Arizona and it happens to be about 3 miles from my house (YEAH!!!). I just wanted to show off a couple of things i found there for my house! I love it!