Ethan Dere Larson & Tommy Mons Larson
I hope you will understand that although this is an incredibly difficult post to write, I need to show the world my sweet little boys. I need you to understand if possible how much I love them and how much I miss them, and how important it is to me that their existence is recognized and not forgotten. I apologize if this post is difficult to read, I understand.... it is difficult to write. But these boys are my babies and it is important to me to preserve these memories and to never forget.
Obviously from previous posts, the entire pregnancy was anything but easy or typical. There were complications from the very start, but we were certain things were going to work out in the end. To our utter devastation, we were wrong and the absolute worst thing imaginable happened, we lost our beloved little boys to an identical twin disorder known as twin to twin transfusion syndrome. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this, it is a connection between the babies in which one baby takes the nutrients of the other. We were not able to find this out until after the death of our little ones. The entire pregnancy we believed the boys were fraternal twins, but tests showed they were identical twins that split very early in the pregnancy giving the appearance of fraternal twins. They had two sacs but shared one placenta, which is very very rare. Because the boys were so far along, a normal delivery was needed rather than just a surgery, so we went through the traumatic process of delivering our babies knowing we would not be bringing them home. The boys were born 3 hours apart after 16 hours of labor. Ethan was born first just before 11am weighing just over half a pound and measuring a mere 9 inches in length. Tommy was born just before 2pm weighing only 2.3 ounces and measuring only 6 inches. Tommy was the first baby we lost at 21 weeks and because of such was much smaller than his brother. Once they were here, we were able to spend 2 beautiful days holding them and spending time with them. Even though their spirits were already gone, I cherished the time I could hold them and rock them and feel like their mother.
And then we began the hideous task of preparing for their burial. We were beyond blessed in this trial with the generosity of others. Eldon's work, Stone Creek Furniture made a beautiful wooden casket as a gift for the boys. It was absolutely perfect and nicer than anything we could have purchased. My work generously paid for the burial. Our sisters Michele and Angela purchased Ken Doll Tuxedos for the boys to wear... They looked so cute even though the doll clothes were still too big!
Eldon's mom and my mom worked together to line the casket and Eldon's mom made beautiful baby blankets for both boys. Many others helped by helping us get flowers, create the programs, and find the perfect songs and poems to make the day very special. The funeral service was very sweet and although I cried through the entire thing, I know it was the most sweet and beautiful service we could provide for our precious little sons.
I honestly can say that this experience is the absolute most difficult thing that has ever been required of me. I have never felt so much sadness or pain as I have losing my babies. I am trying to find a way to heal, but it is a very long road that I imagine will take my entire life. One thing I can say, is that despite being taken through utter despair, I was not left to endure this trail alone. Even still 6 weeks later, we are being shown the Lord truly does love us, and so do many others. We have been absolutely amazed and grateful for the abundance of love and charity that has been shown to us during this difficult time. Even and especially small things such as a hug or a quick note have meant the most and really do make the burden a bit lighter to bare. I am especially grateful for the nurses at Banner Desert Hospital and for their kindness. Their thoughtfulness allowed me to have mementos such as molds of my babies hands and feet and pictures of foot prints as well as many many pictures that I will treasure forever. And to everyone else who called, emailed, text, visited, brought meals, prayed and even thought about us during this difficult time....Thank you. I am still overwhelmed by everything and probably still in denial and am just trying to find the strength to acknowledge the reality of the situation and that I am not going to wake up from this nightmare, so I have not really been ready to taken the steps that I long to, to appropriately express my gratitude, but please know that it means so much, especially now to be loved and thought of and we truly have felt it and are grateful. We are also so very grateful during all of this for the gift of the restored gospel. I simply cannot imagine trying to go through this without the knowledge that Eldon and I have an a marriage that is sealed for time and all eternity. Our family is eternal and I will forever dream of the day when we will be reunited with our precious little boys and we can be a family that is whole once again.
Also, I just want to add from the safety shield of a computer that it is ok to not know what to say, unfortunately there isnt anything that can be said or done to bring my babies back. However, "Im sorry", "I love you", "I m thinking of you" or even just a silent hug means a great deal. My biggest fear is that my babies will be forgotten or it will seem as though they never existed. I need them to be remembered, I need to be able to talk about them, even if it makes me cry, I need to feel like their mother, so please bare with me while I start my journey of healing and be patient with me while I grieve.
